As I write this blog, I wonder if anyone will even read it. I am no one important by any means.
But, I will write as if someone is reading very intently.
Well, My fiancee was just killed in Iraq on 08 Feb 07.
My life has been a blur since. I am not blaming anyone, but I just have so many questions that cannot have an answer to them.
-Was he in pain?
-What were his last words?
-Was he thinking about me?
-Did he have time to think?
-Did he see it coming?
Most of all:
WHY?!?!?!?!?!
I love God with all my heart, I really do... This just all seems so unfair! We did everything right from the start, and now I have nothing to look forward to in my life! Talk about depressing. I went from planning a wedding to a funeral.
I know God has a plan, though. He always does. & It's usually better than what we had in mind anyways. But I cannot imagine life any better than what it was! Jim wasn't perfect- but he was perfect for ME.
So now my prayer is that God would make himself clear to me. I told him I am willing to do anything and go anywhere. I just need him to make it crystal clear for me.
I think I worry too much.
Saturday, March 3, 2007
Current Worries...
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25 comments:
Take care of yourself on your journey ahead. I hope the blogging and writing helps you know that there are people out there who care about you, even if we don't really know you. Best wishes.
~Mrs. Badger6
Mel,
We are so proud of you, love you, and are praying for you. Our hearts hurt for and with you!
Mom
Mel, God is always good and does have our best in mind for all that happens. Difficult experiences give us the opportunity to be better rather than bitter, and to learn and grow into the person God is designing us to be. I am confident that God will use you greatly one day to be the pastor's wife you desire to be. While the hurt is still keen, just keep leaning on your Lord! He'll see you through!
#1 Of course we're reading you, sweetie. #2 Of COURSE, he was thinking about you - he loved you. #3 We can only pray he didn't suffer.
Now, think about this, people you don't even know are sending you our love and prayers. Keep your chin up. Make him proud. You can do this. It's not easy. What's the alternative? xoxo
Miss Aprille
PS Badger sent me your way.
I know it doesn't help much, but I'm in med school, destined to be an Army doctor. Your fiancee's story brought tears to my eyes, and at the same time inspired me.
God bless you.
As the Field of Dreams movie line goes...build it and they will come.
Here via Badger Forward.
God bless you and yours for the sacrifice thats bestowed upon you.
I've just added you to my favorites. I care about what you have to say and I feel for your pain and thank you for your service.
Mel
Please keep looking forward with the knowledge the Sgt Holtom will always love you. The Pathfinder Family stands with you
Pathfinder Six
Commander 321 Engneer Battlaion
I found your blog via Badger 6
It's okay if you ask God "why?" He can handle it. He's a compassionate God. I know He holds you in His hand as you grieve.
You are young, but that doesn't make the grieving any less. You have a long journey ahead of you, but keep holding God's hand.
Melissa,
I am so sorry for your loss of James. I just want to send a little comfort your way to let you know that people are appreciative of the sacrifice James and you gave to our country. Rest assured that my family will pray for you and if you ever need anything please let us know.
Trackbacked by The Thunder Run - Web Reconnaissance for 03/06/2007
A short recon of what’s out there that might draw your attention.
Here from Badgers 6
Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there... I do not sleep.
I am the thousand winds that blow...
I am the diamond glints on snow...
I am the sunlight on ripened grain...
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you waken in the morning's hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of gentle birds in circling flight...
I am the soft star that shines at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry—
I am not there... I did not die...
By the way my wife and I are here
for you anytime for anything
we are in the Nampa Phone book..
It's okay to cry...it's okay to wonder why. The arms of your Lord are strong and tender. He will be your comfort, your strength, your life. The Lord is intimately acquainted with the pain of sacrifice. He knows you are hurting and He will never let you go.
We appreciate the sacrifice you and James and your families have made and will continue praying for you and for all the troops.
You may be overflowing with grief, but your words moved me deeply. God is speaking to you – and through you – because your heart is open and loving and hopeful. Please accept condolences from one of the many strangers who did indeed read your words “very intently.”
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Our prayers are with you. Keep talking to God and asking the tough questions!
I'm so sorry for your loss.Don't loose faith.Know there are people who don't even know you praying for you and all our troops.Keep up the writeing I will be looking forward to it.I found you via Badger6.
Take Care of YOURSELF
From one who is morning the loss of a dream, hang in there. I wont lie, it is not an easy road but it is an important one to walk to its end...all the way to the end. That is how to make sure you don't have bars over your heart in fear of being hurt again. It will take the time it takes. My current theory is the longer it takes the more invested you were in the dream. So write, process, and revisit it all until the pain is not so sharp and doesn't leave you in a puddle just to think of his name. No one will ever take his place but I am certain you will find love again.
~Ms. Badger6's Sister
honey i am so sorry. i was married to a soldier for 26 years and two tours of viet nam. i was lucky though. he is still here. he is sarge charlie. we all care so much and send you all the hugs we can muster. you are doing so good honey. you find inner strength i suppose. i am just so so sorry. bee
Melissa, your worries are all very normal !
I'd like to think that your beloved Jim was not in pain, that his last words wwere about you, that he was thinking of you but then it happenned so fast he didn't see it coming...
It DOES feel unfair ! how can it not ??? Whatever God's plan may be, you two had your own plans, and the loss of that is devastating...
You are only 19, Melissa, and while you will grieve and ache and mourn deeply, you WILL loveand be loved again. It will never be the same, but it will be different in a beautiful way. You have a long life ahead of you, and will definitely share it with someone...
You certainly are "important." I am so sorry for your loss. Words fail me, but just know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I'm sure your love is watching you from above and is very proud of you.
Please don't hesitate to ask if there is anything I can do to help you.
God Bless You.
And you are loved far and wide...
Mel,
I also came from Sarge Charlie. It seems so trivial of me to say that I am sorry for your loss, but I am. Any lost life is tragic, but one with so much love and promise in it just breaks my heart.
God does, indeed have a bigger plan for you. And as for Jim, I think that God knew of someone who needed him as a guardian angel.
Be well,
Mags
I came over from Loving Annie after reading about your blog there.
You've received a lot of wisdom from the other folks who have visited. I have none to offer . . . you have a deep faith in God which you have written about and it will sustain you. He is the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and end, the solid rock. Only He knows why this was the plan for your life and Jim's, but some day it will all be revealed to you.
Until then, I send you hugs and love from California. Be assured that all of us out here watching and waiting for this stupid war to end are grateful each and every day for the service of those in the military and weep every time we hear that another young life has been lost.
Your post touched me, as does the light in your eyes. My sister's husband is serving overseas too, and left just 5 days after their second baby was born. I watch her struggle alone and can't imagine the sacrifice that you all have made. My life hasn't been affected by death as yours has, but my first husband did leave me with three young children and I felt as though the pain would kill me. Let yourself fall apart from time to time. God will mend the pieces of your heart back together with stitches so fine and delicate they will amaze you. You have MUCH to live for and look forward to. Keep on keepin' on. And love always. It heals.
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